So much has changed since I last wrote. There have been milestones, like turning 30 in March. That month, I also started a new job—one in which I get to write every single day!—and have quietly put my blogging on the back burner as I focus on a big professional transition.
A woman I greatly admire and respect told me that I should expect to feel out of sorts for a while, that any major life change—new job, marriage, new baby, a move—requires a complete reboot of the way we approach every minute of our lives. Even though the change didn’t feel like a huge one, it has been monumental, and I’ve forgotten my lunch at home on the counter enough times to know that her advice was good. I’m still adjusting to a new schedule, workflow, balance, all of that, and I’m sure I will be for some time. The funny thing about life right now is that I look forward and I can see nothing but more (great!) change in life coming my way.
Behind the scenes, there’s been more going on than most of you know. You can probably guess, but I reached a sort of breaking point in December over what was supposed to be my Christmas vacation. My stress level was simply too high. I couldn’t check out of work, not because I don’t know how, but because I couldn’t do so and keep my head above water at the time. January began with me feeling like I was at absolute rock bottom emotionally, although I didn’t quite know how to express it at the time or even understand how to move forward. I felt like I was left with two paths: pick a new career entirely or find a new job. Luckily, a new opportunity that had been brewing for a couple months came to fruition and I snagged the position.
I’m happy to report that things have turned around in a huge way. I’m feeling much better about my workload and my work itself. While it’s nearly impossible to completely leave work behind at the end of each day, my job no longer bleeds into my life in ways that leave me feeling helpless or overwhelmed. I’m also learning to define and defend that line and balance in order to protect my sensitive self, as I now know I absolutely must.
I’ve also been getting back in the gym somewhat regularly and have focused again on cooking for myself and eating in a way that makes me feel great. Above all else, feeling recommitted to my mental and physical health has left me feeling a sense of renewal that I’ve been craving for a very, very long time.
Other than the great changes happening in my life these days, I’ve also begun to reevaluate my blog in terms of what I share, how much of it I share, and what my focus will be. I’ve written out so many lists of ideas, only to trash them, unsure of what direction I was going in. I even have an idea for a completely different, new blog, that’s more project-focused than this one has been. I still don’t know which direction this blog will head, or if I will pursue that other project, but I hope to be around quite a bit more.
On the other hand, as much as I am eager to share through writing, I find myself more protective of my personal life than ever before, even though I feel more liberated to write as I please and be more direct about my feelings and experiences. Years ago, an ex would routinely ask me to delete things I’d posted on social media or even in my blog, controlling my words to an extent that I continued to censor myself long after the breakup. I spent my early to mid-twenties walking on eggshells, always anticipating a reaction or an outburst to not only my writing, but my words, my actions, anything, really. It has taken me a very long time to get to the point where I no longer feel threatened by what anyone else thinks of me; interestingly enough, I no longer feel the need to share so much.
Maybe this is an older, wiser me protecting the life I’ve built, especially a much happier relationship, but I’m not sure. I will continue to reevaluate this blog and I will continue to write and share in a way that makes me feel more, not less. It’s been cathartic to write all this down and share with you the undercurrent of what’s been driving me lately as well as for the past several months.
In closing this long post, I want to extend a sincere thanks to everyone who has been so supportive of me. You have all encouraged me to take big, terrifying leaps that have resulted in great things, and I’m getting better at recognizing that I deserve happiness and have earned success. From the first big jump where I moved to New Orleans at 18 to attend college, my journey has been one about learning to trust myself, something I will continue to work on in the years to come, and will likely continue to share pieces of here.